In the previous blog, we looked at the way the mind tries to be helpful when it thinks it recognises danger, and how it can have the opposite effect.
When your brain thinks there is a threat it activates your fight, flight or freeze response, to help keep you safe. Unfortunately, most of the time the risk is only in your head, and rather than be helpful, it creates stressful conditions that make life more difficult.
A similarly useful situation is when your mind tries to protect you from being isolated and cut off from others, like a fear of rejection, or being abandoned.
Similar to noticing an imminent threat, your mind has a primal way of helping you stay safe, through an innate need for belonging.
Early humans depended on this to be connected with each other for survival. You had to be in a group or else you'd probably die. So a strong sense of belonging was vital to ensure you made decisions to keep you connected with your community. Then you’d have enough food, water, and protection to stay alive.
If you did something that worked against the interests of your group, like stealing food or confronting the leader, you could face severe consequences. In serious situations you might even be cast out from the group entirely, and left to fend for yourself. This would ultimately mean death, as it was almost impossible to survive alone.
Nowadays if someone lets you down, kicks you out of a friendship group, or ignores you, it can trigger the same stressful responses of anger, increased heart rate, or stress hormones being released. Even just the fear of this type of rejection can have the same effect. But usually these days being disconnected is not a matter of life and death, even if it feels like it at the time.
If you have a thought at work where you’re worried about losing your job, or not being selected for an important project, try to be aware that it’s just a thought. This thought may stimulate a bodily reaction that is very real, but it’s just your mind trying to help you. It’s another example of where your mind creates its own reality that may not even exist in real life (more on this tomorrow). This sense of potential rejection distracts you from what is actually happening right now, and creates a mental reality that can stop you from taking actions that are actually helpful in your role. For example, it may stop you from speaking up about an issue that’s really important to you, for fear of becoming ostracised.
If you can notice you’re having these thoughts, and even name them (eg “I’m having the thought that I may be rejected ”), it can help reduce the situation where stress hormones are released into your body, and help you stay more calm.
As before, your mind may think that this is silly, but it’s been scientifically proven to help.
Start with just noticing when you’re having a thought that feels real, even though it’s just in your head. It’s probably a thought you don’t even need at all.
To learn more about how noticing thoughts helps, check out ‘Pressing Pause’ on www.Stresslessness.me
